Feels a little like giving up.
I often find it hard to distinguish between the two.
I'd like to think that letting go means you have set an intention, worked towards reaching your goal to the best of your ability, and then are able to release your pursuit without regrets if it becomes clear that the path you have chosen is not right for you at that time.
But for me it still feels a little like just giving up.
Nine years ago I "applied" to massage therapy school. I use "applied" somewhat loosely because it's not as if there was any requirements to be "accepted" beyond showing interest and putting down a small deposit to hold my spot in the class of incoming students. It didn't work for me to start at that time so I set the pursuit aside.
Approximately 9 months ago I made contact with the school again expressing my interest in joining them for my training, feeling that while still not "perfect" timing, now was a more realistic time to pursue the adventure of returning to school. I once again applied after visiting their new location, paid my deposit to hold my spot and then had to defer my spot in the fall class with intentions to begin this coming spring. Today I responded to an email inquiring if I will indeed be joining the new spring class, sadly informing the school that attendance at this time just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. I had started to make peace with this decision a few weeks ago, but it's so much more tangible now that I have actually expressed my plans "out loud" to the school.
On many levels I am disappointed. I love learning. Love being a student. I love learning about the body and how to care for our beings on many levels. I honestly felt as if working towards obtaining my
LMT credentials were a key part in continuing to work the way I want to work...passionately with a schedule that still allows for plenty of family focused time. And, honestly, it was one step closer for me to answering that age old question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
But sometimes the universe has things in store for us that we don't understand. That we don't expect. Such as my new gig with
my local quilt shop. And good news regarding my husband's career pursuits...mainly that he has a clearer path and is looking forward to taking his next step down that path on Monday! And as cliche as it sounds, I feel as if my growing love of knitting
(along with realizing how essential regular chances to express my creativity are to my overall happiness) is somehow going to be tied into my future endeavors. I'm not sure how, but I just have this gut feeling...and I normally trust my gut.
Life will move on...and it will continue to be fabulous and challenging and rewarding and disappointing and so many other things I can't yet even imagine because that's how life is...ever changing. So I'm just trying to let this disappointment go...and let it not feel like I'm giving up.
~
namaste~